Your sister told me about the dream she had on Sunday night. You came for a visit. She wrote it all out for me and I have shared it with some folks.
When she talked about it I felt like it was more than a dream – it really sounded like things you would do and say. Whatever it was it was comforting.
Your sister is a vivid dreamer and often her dreams are troubling. It was so nice to hear the lilt in her voice as she talked of her time with you in her dream. I’m glad she wrote it out too. She carried it with her all day and it made her day better.
Eighteen months since I last saw you. In less than a month will be your 31st birthday. I can barely make my fingers move on the keyboard. Reality is so shocking. Perhaps that is why I prefer the dream.
I won’t relate the dream here but in it you said you were aware of the things we were doing. You “remembered” things at her wedding, but you were busy in your own right and your observance of us was more like “looking in” every now and then. You took her to the place where the accident happened and reassured her it was not a scary place, but in fact beautiful. You told her when you parted with us again that we should not fear. You told her that “you can do this.”
We are trying.
I stay busy most of the time. My art work consumes much of my time. I can be absorbed in it for hours and my mind runs into old familiar ruts. I think I need to call your dad, your sister and you. I am startled and shocked and grieved again.
I continue to struggle with what I believe. It would be so nice to believe that the dream was real.
I suppose I have as much right to believe that as anything. Maybe I’m a bit envious, though that really is not the word I want, that I have not had such a dream. Though I will express thanks that I have not had bad dreams about you either.
I miss you. Life is not the same without you.
The “doing” takes a lot of effort.
Life itself is a reminder of you. You were good at living life examining the potential for each day thoughtfully and deliberately.
You taught me so much. You were generous in your praise and encouragement. I try to remember that most of all. I try sweetheart. I want you to be able to recognize me if indeed you are able to see.
I love you so much.
Thanks for putting up with me, loving me unconditionally and urging me on.