You died trying. . .

Dear Son,

I am working on myself.   It is something I have done in fits and starts, but for some reason as I approach a significant birthday something has shifted.  It feels tectonic.

I have thought about what your reaction to the current political and world situation would be if you were here to voice your opinion.    I wish you could voice it without having to experience what we are witnessing.

The world I envisioned for you and your sister  was one that would be a better, more hopeful place -but it is not and seems to be becoming more malignant by the day.   The damage we have done to the environment – things I have been responsible and complicit to  as an inhabitant of this planet shame me. The extinction of the animals that we have caused, the island of plastic as big as a small nation floating in the Pacific, the melting of glacial ice at an alarming rate, the erratic and dangerous weather patterns are only part of the crisis.

Our governments are being led by men who are tyrants “whose god is their belly”. Their appetite for money and power is insatiable.

We are in many ways already the storyline for an apocalyptic novel, except it is the world and it is happening now.   The violence, hatred, misogyny, prejudice, lack of humanity and objectification that is exemplified by our own leadership and the leadership of other nations is heartbreaking along with the horrific damage that is being done.

But I refuse to give up.  I refuse to give up because of your sister and other young people who still have a life to live.   I refuse to give up because I never ever saw you give up.  Never.  It is difficult to admit because it seems like a trite and hollow truism but the fact is. the reason you are no longer here. is because you died trying.

You died trying.

With whatever I have left – when it is over, I will have died trying.  I will speak up to anyone who will listen.  I will advocate.  I will engage.

I apologize to you and your sister for the damage I have done to this world.   I appreciate your ability to enjoy as long as you did.

I miss you every day.   I can’t begin to put the weight on that statement that it deserves.  I honor your contribution to my life.

I am for as long as I last

Forever, Mom


About pathfinder

Artist, Writer, Walking wounded.
This entry was posted in Coping with the Death of a Child. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to You died trying. . .

  1. Maxine Gilson says:

    I couldn’t have said this any more profoundly .. but I live your thoughts every day going on 10 years my Son is gone..he was 31 and 1/2 to the day when he was assaulted while serving in the US Navy going to the aid of a fallen Son, Michael succumbed to a TBI and my world died the day he did .. and I ponder all of this .. He also died trying like that Dave Matthews song .. his favorite musician of all time.. you have a way of putting into words that so resonates with me.. I have been following your posts for as long as I can recall , and every single one of them hits home ..every word every painful thought ..💔💔and emotion while on this grief rollercoaster.. 🤗 hugs to you

    GS Mom of Michael Halpert my Hero US Navy Petty Officer ET3 12:26/77/07/01/09

    “Eat Drink and Be Merry”..DMB


    • pathfinder says:

      I honor you and your son and I am so sorry for your and all of our loss. My husband served in the Navy as a hospital corpsman. I have a number of friends who have lost a child – too many in fact. One thing I encourage them (and myself) to do is continue to be the person your child loved. Be the person they knew, respected and loved. I often think that my son would tell me that my time here is so short – to use it wisely. Peace.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s