Fear and Trembling


I am reacting to a post on Facebook that kept me up last night and now consumes the morning.  A person who received a transplant is rejecting the organ and prayers on that person’s behalf are being asked for God to provide them with another transplant.

They ask others to ask God that an organ be “found.”

After all they just grow on trees and sometimes can be dug up like truffles.

It bothers me most that God is mixed up in all this.  I’ve had enough trouble over the past 18 months reconciling the events that have occurred.  If what these well meaning so called Christians are asking is true then somewhere someone prayed my son to death.

Asking that this person receives an organ means a totally healthy person has to die.

Now I am assuming that in asking that an organ be “found” that they don’t expect it to be found in one of their children or family members.   Or maybe – as in the case of a liver they would be willing to go be tested and donate a lobe of their own.   But otherwise the organ needed must come from someone who recently died.

God spins the wheel or decides who lives and who does not capriciously – judges them before the judgement – looks across the span of time and spares them from other things.   I’ve heard enough.

The handful of letters we have received from the recipients of our son’s organs are stacked neatly on the box that contain his ashes.   I read them once.  I have not read them again.   The recipients had a hard time writing those letters.  Some recipients have never responded at all. Not having the responses is hard.

I am told that lung transplants are particularly difficult to survive.  I hope the people who received my son’s lungs survived.  He could run up the mountain behind our house with ease.  Days in Colorado climbing conditioned him for such exertion.

The man who received his heart has written us twice.  He was told  that he had receivied a perfect heart.

A perfect heart.

I remember hearing it beat.

Spare me please your explanations

I am trying to work out my salvation with fear and trembling because I have found out the hard way what that really means.  Believe me you don’t want to know.

God forbid that He be forced to answer their prayers the way they asked it.

About pathfinder

Artist, Writer, Walking wounded.
This entry was posted in Coping with the Death of a Child. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Fear and Trembling

  1. Jonathan's Mom says:

    I have read your posts for quite some time now. Having lost my son Jonathan in June of 2010, I find myself comforted by your entries. This one is so different, I find myself wanting to comfort you and I pray my words are adequate,

    May the angels hold you close, may the sun shine warm upon your face, may the love of your son sooth your soul, and may God fill your heart with peace.

    Your sister in Christ

    • pathfinder says:

      Thank you so much. It has been a hard few weeks. My writing was a knee jerk reaction. I guess I am a bit weary. But thank you for your concern. Your words do help.

  2. I somehow ended up with this post in my inbox today. My son died in Oct 2011 from injuries in an automobile accident. The part of your post that caught my eye was,

    “I am trying to work out my salvation with fear and trembling because I have found out the hard way what that really means. Believe me you don’t want to know.

    God forbid that He be forced to answer their prayers the way they asked it.”

    Since the death of my son, I have spent the last 16 months researching Organ Donation and brain death…yes I agree with you…they don’t want to know…but they must know. As hard as it is the truth must come out.

    I am in the process of feeding content to my blog before launching, then the book to be released 2 years after Jamies death.

    I read many of your posts and you write beautifully. Here is a virtual (((hug))). Yes, I agree God forbid He answers the prayer the way it was asked.

    • pathfinder says:

      I am so sorry Missy. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the hug. We are approaching his 31st birthday on Monday Feb. 4th. He was 29 when he died. Glad you are writing about his. Stay strong and endure.

  3. I know today will be hard for you, you are in my thoughts and prayers. There are no other words just know you have an army of people who understand what you are enduring today.

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