Dear Son,

I remember distinctly July 2nd 2011. I know there are details missing, but there are details that stand out – that are burned into my brain. I have a few days that are like that – but I have allowed the dates to blur – but that day and awful date I remember. I am sure there are others who remember it too. Maybe they don’t remember the exact date – but because it came in such close proximity to the 4th of July – perhaps they do. I hope for them some of the pain has eased.
If there were a box or a devise to secure those memories out of the way maybe someone would want to use it. I would not.
I don’t remember July 2nd of 2010, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015. I know the days came and went and I am sure there were tears but I cannot tell you one other thing I did. Maybe there is something on a calendar somewhere or something I wrote that day. Beyond that there is nothing.
So how will I remember today besides the fact that it has been five years since I last saw you? Maybe these few words will remain. I wish they held more.
I know this sounds crazy but I still worry that you suffered. I think that is every parents fear. I am astonished at myself that I did not worry this much over the other times when you obviously suffered. Maybe I did but not to this obsessive degree. A lot of those times you kept hat suffering to yourself. You were if nothing else a meticulously private person.
For a while I hated the days after you died for moving me farther and father from you. Now I realize almost daily that I am moving closer to you.
As for people “feeling sorry” for me or our family I’ve decided it is okay. If people can feel “sorry” because you are not here, then I’ll accept that . People need to feel something these days.
Conversely, I feel sorry for them. They didn’t get to know you (if you would have let them). I remember when I told you that I had run in to the mother of young man you had known as a child you lost touch with. She and I agreed to remind you of each other and you were so annoyed with me – at us – the meddlesome moms! Then her son Caleb reached out to you and you responded and the friendship that ensued! It still makes me smile.
You introduced me to Matt and Zach, Travis, Joseph, P.T., Chris, Andrew, Jennifer among so many others. You shared your friends with me. What a gift!
Thank you for teaching me about dinosaurs, praying mantis, cobras, birds of prey, hiking, ethnic foods,craft beer, authors I would have never read and philosophy. I might never have considered learning about any of those things had it not been for you.
Thank you for loving us, your family.
So today is another day to pull out all the poignant, fine, sparkling memories. Louise Penny in her book The Long Way Home says “Maybe every now and then he (she) simply wept. Not in pain or sadness. The tears were just overwhelming memories, rendered into water, seeping out. (You) could almost see the images inside the tears.”
I love you babe.

Forever – Mom.