Sweetheart,

There is a nest of baby birds chirping in the garage again.  House wrens love that space.  Because we leave the door open to the garage the birds take advantage of that area.  It never gets terribly hot and to my knowledge does not freeze in the coldest weather.  The parents have in the past started singing loudly as if to tell us to come open the door for them.   I will probably miss the exodus of the babies, unless it is like the time I came out to find the baby house wrens all over the garage floor.

They always look so angry.

I caught  a couple that time and put them in a cage briefly so that when you came home from school you could see them.  We laughed over their angry expression and their tiny tuft of a tail.  Then we set them free.

I search for meaning.  I feel like that has become my constant advocation these days.  In “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy” the subject is approached humorously.   I’m not sure that their take is not potentially as accurate as anything else.   Or maybe not.   The only thing that keeps cycling around for me is the idea of setting things free.

Like the birds you had – your hawks that you worked with so diligently – eventually set free.   You and your sister, though still deeply connected to us, set free to live your life.  It is the best way to keep those things you love.  Set them free.

In the Bible there is a passage (among many others) that I have never really understood.  Jesus is quoted as having said it twice.  Matthew 16:19 speaks of the keys of the kingdom of heaven . . .”and whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.” (NAS)   Again in Matthew 18:18 “Truly I say to you whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.”  Read in context you see that Jesus is dealing with people who are trying to figure things out in respect to those who impose on  people other than themselves  the need to  live by hard and fast rules and in the other  trying to explain the seriousness of  convicting  someone of their need to change their ways.  Binding them with rules – predominately manmade or loosing them to God and His Grace and mercy.  I take it to mean, if you bind these rules upon others – by these rules you will be bound.

I’m not saying we should not have boundaries or rules.  I am saying that we need to be careful, thoughtful, and realize how uninformed we are in most cases.   Life is like those little birds in that cage – left for only a short time and then freed.  I don’t know where they went or how long they will live but I assume they will be the birds they were meant to be.  I haven’t researched the life of house wrens, but perhaps the nesting pair return each year to our garage, or perhaps one of the offspring does.

I was raised by a controlling mother.  Her anger at me, when it flared was probably due to her frustration at her inability to control me.   I think I unwittingly brought part of that to my adult life.  I inflicted my delusion of control on your dad, you and your sister.  The things we work to bind slip through our hands like sand.

I feel that each passing year, as you and your sister grew wrenched my fingers loose from that tight grip I thought I had.  One day each of you in your own way took flight.

What would I bind here on earth if I could?  I don’t honestly know that I have a right to bind anything.

I would wish for everyone who chooses to have children to have the relationship I have been blessed with with my children.  I would hope for them to have time with them.  Lots of simple, uncluttered time to get to know the person, to really hear their voice, to observe the subtle nuances that make each child an individual.  I would hope for them the strength to accept each individual child for who they are and to love them, unabashedly without inhibition.  Parents should gather them every day in their arms when in their presence and in their heart when they are apart.

I have stayed busy with the strange elements of the society I live in that we call life.   I continue to maintain the house and my business responsibilities.   I have taken on new opportunities.   I spend less of my day in tears.

When I leaned in over you that day in the hospital I kissed you and whispered in your ear that it was okay if you needed to go,  I lied.  It really wasn’t okay in my heart or mind.   I just didn’t know what else to say because I knew that I was not going to be able to keep you anymore.

There is nothing I can really keep – except my memories and my love for you, my love and hope of more time with your sister and your dad until we join you.  I am loosening  the grip a bit at a time of those painful chains of grief, and binding myself up with the variety of memories I have of you.   I don’t want you bound up in any way except if it is possible in this incredible love I still hold for you. And if indeed, God is love, as we are told – then it is possible.

Love Forever

Mom