Dear Son,

I’ve been slipping the past few days.  I have a “to-do” list that is mocking me.  It is easier to sit, to let the day grind by without accomplishing much.

I can’t stop thinking about you.

Not that I want to stop thinking about you.  I think about you in relation to your sister.  I think about the influence you have in our family and lives.  I think about what you could and should be doing. It claims a lot of time.

When you were still here, I thought about you.  I worried about you.  You were right – worry is useless.  It claims and wastes a lot of time.   Worry changed nothing, altered nothing – wove no magic spell.

You would like my new paintings.  I am confident about that.   Someday I may sneak a red barn into one of them . . .or not.  If I do, it will be in your honor.  One of my new paintings won a prize.  It was great to have your dad and sister express their pride.  I missed hearing you say, “That’s great mom!”

I miss you in every aspect of my life, because you and your sister and dad are in and are a part of every aspect of my life.  All of you comprise what is my world.

Tomorrow is Valentines day.  You were due to be born on Valentines day but came ten days early.  My February baby.  Another holiday you liked to poke fun at for being sappy and sentimental.

Yet you were one of the most sentimental persons I have ever known.  Always there when it came to those important family life events, even if it was uncomfortable for you.

My day is going to break down all together if I don’t get up from here, get moving – use my hands to do something productive.

I’m rambling.

Your dogs have a good home with your sister.  They are well loved and taken care of.  I still haven’t sorted through your stuff.   Maybe after July I will try, maybe not.

The 1st anniversary of the the death of one of your high school friends is a week from today.  He was born in July  and died in February.  You were born in February and died in July.  Sad coincidence.

These are incoherent days.  Sorry.

It is frustrating knowing what you need the most and cannot have, cannot replace.

And who am I to expect answers?

If God is love, then God bound us together, you, me, your sister and dad.  We live together in love, bound in it.  If there is eternal life (and I so hope there is and I so fear there is not) then I hope one day before I face it, that I can have a moment of peace and reassurance that you are there – safe and whole. But like I said, it is so frustrating knowing what you need the most and cannot have.

So many questions and so few answers.

I love you.

Forever

Mom