The earth has almost finished another orbit around the sun. Somewhere people are compiling the facts about what they think were the most important events on this little orb during that trip. As for me and my husband we are a little astounded that we made it again.
I write no reflections this time about family and friends, though they most definitely have seen me through a lot of hard impossible moments. What I will share are some words from a book I just finished reading.
It is an unlikely book on the face of things to discuss grief, but since grief seems to be a part of life and this story was supposed to be about life, albeit in a distant time, it follows that grief would be included.
I like books written for young adults. I started reading what we called Juvie Literature in the early 80’s when I worked as an assistant children’s librarian. I found the books to be clever, concise and geared to hold the audience’s attention. The latest series I just completed is the trilogy by Veronica Roth called Divergent. In her final book the story concludes the larger story line and begins the promise of another. I marked quotes which jumped out at me as things I can easily say about my journey thus far.
I include my edited words in parenthesis but you’ll understand when you read.
“Maybe we’re strangers no matter where we go, whether it’s back to the world outside . . .or here . . .or (anywhere). Everything has changed, and it won’t stop changing anytime soon.”
Or maybe we’ll make a home somewhere inside ourselves, to carry with us wherever we go—which is the way I carry my (son) now.”
“It’s strange how time can make a place shrink, make its strangeness ordinary.”
“ I don’t know how—that’s like asking how you continue on with your life after someone dies. You just do it, and the next day you do it again.”
“I don’t need (their) raised eyebrows, (their) soft voice, to coax an emotion from me that I would prefer to contain.”
“It happened. It was awful. You aren’t perfect. That’s all there is. Don’t confuse your grief with guilt.”
“. . .that’s what love does, when it’s right—it makes you more than you were, more than you thought you could be.”
“If I let a little of the emotion out, all of it will come out, and it will never end.”
“I know how it feels to want to forget everything . . .I also know how it feels for someone you love to (die) for no reason, and to want to trade all your memories of them for just a moment’s peace.”
“The person you became with (them) is worth being.”
“It reminds me that no embrace will ever feel the same again, because no one will ever be like (him) again, because (he) is gone. (He) is gone, and crying feels so useless, so stupid, but it’s all I can do.”
“Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk (through life).”
Some things are more clearly expressed through someone else’s words. We had a good holiday at Christmas and the New Year will come because I have not figured out a way to stop the world and get off. I like to think I have been made more than I thought I could be because of the people I have loved and love me.
I, too, find much to reflect upon in my reading. As a school librarian, I read both YA books and plenty of adult books (just for myself). Reading also serves as a good escape mechanism.
For me, facing the New Year is, once again, a shock and a source of sorrow. My son never saw a single day of 2013, and now we’re moving to another year …farther from the last time I saw him…another year without him. Makes me so sad. You understand.
I do understand. It has been such a struggle this holiday season to keep up appearances. Some “tactics” work for a while to smooth out some of the rough places.