Dear Son

IMG_0673Dear Son,
I haven’t written much lately because, as usual I don’t know what else to say. I despise the world for going on without you. I am infuriated by the fact that people think that by saying your name that they – of all people are reminding me of you (do they really think you are ever far from my mind?) Apparently there is a fear of tears and wailing from me – though few if any have seen that side of me.
The summer like weather floods me with thoughts of you and at times I really feel like you are right beside me. I do talk to you in the car and in the house when I am by myself – do you hear me?
I keep my intense feelings about you to myself when I am in public. I try not to react openly to the stupid thoughtless things people say because I realize they are unintentional. Here at the house – within these walls I have short outbursts of anger and frustration and disbelief.
The disbelief still astounds me. I know others think that because they don’t think of you often that we too have eroded into that state. It is just not possible. And it is impossible to explain the intensity of this feeling.
I cannot believe you are gone. Really truly never to be seen on this earth again, never to hear your voice again, never to feel your arm around my shoulders, never to kiss you, tease you, feed you, fuss with you.
I can see it in some folks eyes, their posture as they want to say to me “after all, it has been three years.” It could be three thousand – it would not matter. Why did I ever get in a rush about anything before?
I struggle everyday and have no choice but to be patient with grief and how it manifests itself in any given day.
There are small things I look forward to but they are small and fizzle out so quickly.
I worry.
I worry about the future without you.
I worry about your dad and your sister. It does no good so I try to stop. I make a real effort to stop.
I have read, painted, taken up pottery, the ukulele, exercise, knitting, traveled, written and written and written. All these things have busied my hands, taken up my time, occupied me for a moment here and there. Nothing serves for long.
I miss you in every day, I miss you and I yearn for you. And one more time I am putting it out there to the universe and anyone who wants to read these words – I can’t believe you are gone. I can’t believe that someone as brilliant, vibrant, funny, resourceful and good as you is gone and we have to remain – without you.
And I know there are others feeling the same way about the ones they love that are gone.
I keep waiting for knowing that to make me feel differently. Better has not become an option.
So here I am dreading July but not much more than I dread every month. It is wrong that you are gone. Simply wrong and horrible and bad.
I live with dread now. It makes a bitter companion most days.
You brought me such joy. Please, if there is a God, hear my thanks that I was able to appreciate my son and see him for the wonderful person he is. And thank you for letting him love me the way he did. He made me feel so loved. And God, if you are with him . . . well you know.


About pathfinder

Artist, Writer, Walking wounded.
This entry was posted in anger, Coping with the Death of a Child, Family, Friends, Holidays and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Dear Son

  1. Once again you have written my feelings. Two years and six months on this ride and how I wish I could just get off. I talk to my Michael all the time especially in the car when listening to music. It really is the only time I feel some peace. At all other times I feel that I am in a play and that my life now is nothing but an act. The world thinks I should be “my old Self”
    That ,as you know, will never happen. Thank you for your words. They have helped me through this journey. As someone would have said to me, “She gets it, Ma.”

  2. lensgirl53 says:

    I am so sad to hear of your loss. The very title of your post stopped me because those words mimic my own….”Dear Son…” Your emotions resonate with me, who still grieves daily for my own sweet son. I still cannot believe I have to live this life without him. And yes!! I do hate the world for going on without him…never realizing his absence except for the shocking days that followed his passing. It was all too short for them and a lifetime sentence for me…and for you and any other mother who has lost a child.

    We can never be the same as before when our sons were living…being our sons, so wonderful and witty. Your very words apply to my own loss and grief. I guess grief for a child is a similar emotion that a mothers/parents will have for a lifetime. It has been five years for me and although it has lessened in intensity…the sadness lurks beneath the surface waiting to prey on me at the most unexpected times. It can be both audible and silent at the same time, completely overwhelming. I thank God for those welcomed times of peace. There is no shelf life for grief…it stays fresh for a long time. If there is a lesson to be learned from this…well, I don’t know what it is except that with what peace I have been given I should turn around and try to comfort others…be understanding and prayerful. I hope that I can be that for others even while I struggle daily in this grief.

    “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. ” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

    I do have hope in God’s promises……

    “God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away” (Rev. 21:4).

    I pray that God will bless you with peace and friends and family who will surround you with love.

  3. DW says:

    I too feel you have caught my own thoughts. I’m going through another bout of anger that my daughter is gone, poof, gone, like she was abducted. The rest of the world is “merrily rowing along.” Most people are trying to be kind, but they don’t understand. From the outside I know I look like I’m coping (although definitely not the old me), but on the inside I am always yearning for my daughter.

    Thank you for writing. Thank you so very much.

  4. Your words could easily be my own, the sentiment and longing to see my precious boy is so strong. I am so thankful Jason was in our live. What a precious gift he was. But, oh, how I miss my boy…

  5. Terry says:

    Your writing is precious and telling like my own, I wrote a blog for several years and it helped immensely. The world does not comprehend such a loss- everything changes, everything. A friend recently asked me how she might best help her sister who had tragically lost her son. I suggested she consider that the world remained in the boat of life, journeying through the ocean of time, yet always remaining in that boat. Now, her sister would have to swim.
    My heart goes out to you…please know, I think you’re incredibly courageous for speaking your heart- I sincerely hope it helps you, I know it helps me to know I am not swimming alone by reading your authentic telling . Peace be with you today- July is like kryptonite to me too. I do hope in the fullness of time it takes you come to acknowledge that your son is. I believe this with my whole heart as I have had a bit longer “swim” and do find what I have so yearned for- absolute knowledge of his presence still. If I can help navigate in any way, I would be honored to do so…take care dear Mother.

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