I haven’t written much lately because, as usual I don’t know what else to say. I despise the world for going on without you. I am infuriated by the fact that people think that by saying your name that they – of all people are reminding me of you (do they really think you are ever far from my mind?) Apparently there is a fear of tears and wailing from me – though few if any have seen that side of me.
The summer like weather floods me with thoughts of you and at times I really feel like you are right beside me. I do talk to you in the car and in the house when I am by myself – do you hear me?
I keep my intense feelings about you to myself when I am in public. I try not to react openly to the stupid thoughtless things people say because I realize they are unintentional. Here at the house – within these walls I have short outbursts of anger and frustration and disbelief.
The disbelief still astounds me. I know others think that because they don’t think of you often that we too have eroded into that state. It is just not possible. And it is impossible to explain the intensity of this feeling.
I cannot believe you are gone. Really truly never to be seen on this earth again, never to hear your voice again, never to feel your arm around my shoulders, never to kiss you, tease you, feed you, fuss with you.
I can see it in some folks eyes, their posture as they want to say to me “after all, it has been three years.” It could be three thousand – it would not matter. Why did I ever get in a rush about anything before?
I struggle everyday and have no choice but to be patient with grief and how it manifests itself in any given day.
There are small things I look forward to but they are small and fizzle out so quickly.
I worry about the future without you.
I worry about your dad and your sister. It does no good so I try to stop. I make a real effort to stop.
I have read, painted, taken up pottery, the ukulele, exercise, knitting, traveled, written and written and written. All these things have busied my hands, taken up my time, occupied me for a moment here and there. Nothing serves for long.
I miss you in every day, I miss you and I yearn for you. And one more time I am putting it out there to the universe and anyone who wants to read these words – I can’t believe you are gone. I can’t believe that someone as brilliant, vibrant, funny, resourceful and good as you is gone and we have to remain – without you.
And I know there are others feeling the same way about the ones they love that are gone.
I keep waiting for knowing that to make me feel differently. Better has not become an option.
So here I am dreading July but not much more than I dread every month. It is wrong that you are gone. Simply wrong and horrible and bad.
I live with dread now. It makes a bitter companion most days.
You brought me such joy. Please, if there is a God, hear my thanks that I was able to appreciate my son and see him for the wonderful person he is. And thank you for letting him love me the way he did. He made me feel so loved. And God, if you are with him . . . well you know.