Bittersweet joy

Memory is a faulty thing.  We can take out our polish and make them very shiny indeed.  Were we able to actually actively revisit them, I am afraid we might find them less wonderful than we have made them.  Maybe that is a good thing.

   Maybe that is the way life should be.  We should all be waiting with our polish to brighten up the past so that we can make it through the day.

My daughter is getting married.  Her father and I are so proud of her.  Our own marriage will have it’s 35th anniversary in December.  I have all expectations for her’s to last even longer.   She is marrying at the age of 26.  She dated a number of young men during her college days and finally has found someone with whom she will share her life.

My advice  to those seeking a mate has always been to find someone who encourages you, likes you for who you are, celebrates your accomplishments with you and who, by being with you ,makes you a better person.  In essence the union of the two makes each person better and that together you accomplish more than you could do byyourself.

Each individual must be the judge of these qualities and no one person is going to accomplish this perfectly.

It is easy  to start thinking that this person will make you “happy”.  That idea is a big mistake.  No one person can MAKE you happy.  You are responsible for your own happiness.  Granted there are people who can add substantially to your happiness.  This is however, by your own choice, to accept them for who they are and to allow them entry into your space, access to your thoughts, permission to express opinions etc.

The danger comes when  the “control” issue looms its ugly head.   Who will have control?  It can make for bitter battles.

Our daughter has weathered many storms in her life.

Let me tell you about my daughter a little bit.   She is beautiful, inside and out.   She is extremely intelligent but is also gifted with common sense.  At an early age she showed a capacity for independence and creative thinking.   A musical artist, having begun learning the piano at the age of 8, she has created musical compositions.  Her drive to work and be responsible permeates everything she does.

At the age of 14 she was diagnosed with leukemia.  She underwent 2 1/2 years of chemotherapy and emerged on the other side of what should have been her adolescence an adult/child.  Matured by the sobering painful reality of the unpredictability of life she  rebounded for a while trying to make up for “lost time.”  When she finally came back down to earth and got her footing nothing would stop her from her goals.

Her fiance is a beautiful man from Zimbabwe.  He has faced his own nightmares having to leave his country at a tender age.  He is an American citizen and has studied extensively as an engineer, working in his field of “green energy resources.”  His father departed this world recently.  While in the states and unable to return to Zimbabwe he has also lost 2 brothers.  The world is a hard and terrible place.

Now our son, our daughter’s brother, her fiance’s future brother-in-law is gone too.

Yet the wedding will occur as it should, with all the fluff and brilliance that a wedding of this sort deserves.  A wedding of cultures and minds, hopes and dreams.  Hopes. Hopes for children and for a future that will bring even more joy.  Two brilliant stellar people joining their lives and ambitions together to an even greater goal than they could achieve by themselves.

The day will bring tears for many reasons, but I look forward to it.  I look forward to knowing my new son-in-law better.  I look forward to watching them achieve the things they set out for themselves to do.    My husband and I will try to be supportive without interfering.  We regret that our son will not be here to witness the wedding, to take part in the joy of the event, to be brother to his sister and her husband.

It is truly and absolutely bittersweet and that control issue rears its ugly head as we realize with resignation there is nothing, nothing we can do about our son, our son-in-law’s father or brothers.

So let’s bring out the champagne flutes and toast to this new union, this new fusion of lives and all the hope for the future it brings.   May they have the very best of everything that is possible.

About pathfinder

Artist, Writer, Walking wounded.
This entry was posted in Coping with the Death of a Child, Marraige and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Bittersweet joy

  1. New beginnings can be hard in the face of fresh endings. I wish you joy on Deiah’s wedding day. The picture you included is just beautiful. Love.

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