The new man in town

We have a new puppy.

In August of 2010 we got a puppy. My son had convinced me that we needed a mini Australian Shepherd. One of his friends had a mini and apparently it so impressed my son he decided this was the dog for us.

We had lost one of our pomeranians-Cocoa and the younger remaining dog Ebby was a bit sad. She missed her companion.

We found puppies at a place that had opened purely to sell litters of puppies. We had seen the little blue merl male earlier and decided to go back and get him. It is a great memory, driving home with my husband and son and the dog we named Sky.

Our pomeranian warmed up to him quickly and because he was smaller than she was, she would wrestle him and play. She weights about 13 pounds and Sky weighs 23 pounds now that he is grown. He doesn’t seem to notice how much bigger he is than her and plays gently with and is very protective of her.

Ebby is 13 years old. She has a heart murmur and takes medicine for her condition. I talked with my husband and I talked to my daughter. I even talked to my counselor about the idea of a puppy.

We found the breeder who bred Sky, and we picked out another pup. It was a little girl, another blue merl. I had her picture and I picked out a name and then I received an email from the breeder. The whole litter had gotten very ill after their parvo vaccine and the little girl died.
I tried to figure out if I saw this as some sort of sign. But I knew that I was ready for a puppy and I don’t believe in signs. My son would agree with me. So from another litter we picked out another little blue merl male and we named him Newman. He is Sky’s first cousin.

My daughter and I went to pick him up. The breeder lives high up on a beautiful mountain surrounded by 40 acres of land. She breeds mini Australians and Border Collies.
The puppy is adorable. My daughter snuggled him all he way home, he alternately whining and licking her chin. My son would love him. He would laugh and think I am crazy for taking on another puppy – so much like having a new baby.

Ebby the pomeranian is acting like a puppy again, playing with the little 5 pound boy. Sky is not sure what to do with this gnat-like fur ball, but he too is warming up to him.
Newman doesn’t make me miss my son any less. Newman does benefit from what I learned from my son about taking care of dogs.

Living life is so much work now, regardless of what I choose to do. Having the puppy does divert my thinking some and claims a lot of the little energy I have. He is a constant responsibility and he does make me laugh.

Most days I have the thought hit me “is this all there is?” and “what, exactly, is it that I am waiting for?” Because every day it feels like I am waiting for something. I think I am always waiting for my son to come home, or maybe for me to go home to him.

I know people want to think they know how I feel- people who have not lost a child. I suspect they secretly think that they really do know. It really doesn’t matter to me anymore. I am not competing with anyone. They can think what they want, I on the other hand sometimes feel I cannot think what I want. I am stuck in an unending loop that may stretch to certain limits at times, but then comes back again, very close and uncomfortable.

I hate feeling this way, though I have come to accept it as an everyday thing. I hate not having my son.

I snuggle the new pup. He without knowing it is learning about my son by the way I treat him. He is here because my son convinced me to get Sky and now it follows that we should have Newman. It is my son’s fault. So many of the joys of my life are my son’s fault. And every joy is tinted with a thought towards my son and what he would have found in the moment.