In honor of . . .

IMG_1821There are situations you cannot imagine. There are circumstances even when witnessed you will not be able to understand. It is true for everyone.
I have seen photos and films of war and I can not imagine how the people feel who have witnessed battle. I can not imagine what it would be like to be told “you can not have a child.” I can not imagine what it is to be a man though I live with one. I don’t begin to understand what is like to be young person in this world today because I come from a different generation.
I am old enough to have experienced being told that because I am female I can not do or expect certain things. I have experienced things that are similar to other women my age. But there are many many things I do not know, will not know, as it is for all of us.
My niece gave birth to twins in December. They were premature being born at 26 weeks. Sadly one died within two days and the second was lost just days ago. It is a horrible and cruel loss. I miscarried at around 12 weeks between the birth of my son and daughter. It was sad experience but very different from my niece’s  experience. I don’t know how she feels and yet in some ways I do.
I do know what deep penetrating grief feels like.
I can’t tell her and her husband what they should do, except that what they choose- is for them to choose. They have a beautiful little girl who will probably not remember any of this sad time happening first hand. She will be told about it as time goes by and she will wonder why there are times when her mother and daddy are sad because of anniversaries they mark. She will learn the reason. She may when she grows up wonder what it would have been like to have twin sisters. Hopefully she will never experience the loss of a child herself.
There will be painful anniversaries. There will be questions and may or may not be the temptation to feel guilt. There will be huge questions that may even involve their faith. There may be people who suggest answers. The answers may never come – at least not the answers they really want.
I accept that I will never receive an answer as to why the accident happened that claimed my son’s life. That doesn’t stop me from asking, however.
I am so sad for them and sorry for their loss. They are in shock and they are feeling cast adrift.
What I hope for them is that people hold their tongue, give them space, allow them to grow up as they are being forced to do.
There are sad grandparents – sister and brother-in-law. There are sad friends and neighbors and cousins and aunts and uncles. None of us know exactly how they feel or what they need even if we have experienced a similar loss. Neither my niece or nephew or anyone else for that matter know how to  “fix” this or make it “better.”
Perhaps they  would  say if they could say  is this  – “I need for this not to have happened.” “I need my children.”
What can I pray for them?
I would have them to have strength and wisdom.
I would ask them to ignore the clock because grief has it’s own timeframe.
I would hope that they will have the strength to be honest with themselves and how they feel and ignore the well meant but sometimes insensitive words some might say.
I hope they do what is best for them concerning honoring their babies.
I pray that they connect with their sweet remaining daughter and are able to not feel the urge to overprotect too much as time goes by.
I pray that they can be kind to each other and stand firm as the current of life continues – as it does so quickly – when they are not ready for anything to move on.
I hope they can endure the pain of the reality they have learned so cruelly – the reality that we have little to no control.
And if they have faith, may it grow stronger.
May the people who come now to console them remember them as time passes and be there for them as the days and weeks and months and years ahead weigh in with the grief they contain.
Today I honor their daughters. I honor my niece and nephew as parents with all the hopes and dreams that every parent feels for their child, that every mother feels the moment that baby flutters in their womb. I honor your life. I honor your loss. I am so very sorry.

About pathfinder

Artist, Writer, Walking wounded.
This entry was posted in Coping with the Death of a Child, Death, Faith, Family, Friends and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to In honor of . . .

  1. I’m so sorry for your niece’s loss of her babies. I believe if family and friends read your post, that they will be better able to offer the support that she and her family will need.

  2. Nancy case says:

    Very well said Pamela. A beautiful honor to angels Preslie and Rosalie.

  3. My Heart feels for you … I lost my son, Tommy … also.

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